Torn

Cousins

When I was in high school there was this song called “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia. She was basically a one-hit wonder but it spoke to me. I didn’t know all the words. Well, I mumbled them like just about any other teen who is pretending to be cool and know all the lyrics. But I loved the idea that this person was torn and wasn’t all upset about it. There were plenty of melancholy songs in that era (it WAS right after grunge), ones that fueled the woe-is-me mentality, the my-so-called-life generation. But Natalie Imbruglia wasn’t down in the dumps about her torn emotions. Well, she could have been, I wouldn’t know since I can’t remember the words. The music itself was uplifting. It leads up to a crescendo where I always, ALWAYS, put my arms out and turned in a happy, two year old twirl. It just made me giddy. How could I be so happy when there was so much affliction?

I ask myself that same question now, in my 30’s, after I have moved 1700 miles away from my home. 

Levi, Jackson & Alexander looking at the Pacific Ocean

I have just returned from a three week trip to California. We drove two days to Southern California. 

Here we go...again!

Got to watch my brother-in-law retire from 20 years of service in the Marine Corps (awesome ceremony!) and spent time with family on the beach for a few days. 

The whole ceremony was for him...yeah, I guess he's kind of awesome!

Then I dropped Mike off at the airport so he could fly back to San Antonio while I drove up to Sacramento with boys in tow. We then spent two weeks visiting with family and friends.

My best friend and family

At the beginning of the two weeks I was freaking out because it wasn’t going to be enough time to see everyone I wanted to see. At the end of the two weeks I was so ready to go home and back to my normal life. I feel bad about this. You see, although it was more jam packed because I was trying to squeeze everything in, the two weeks reminded me of how chaotic my life was when I lived in California. 

My Sea-Star

Maybe it’s because I was born and raised there and I had so many people to keep up with. In comparison, I know hardly anyone in San Antonio so there are less people to ask for my time. 

Friends

Maybe it’s because I was always committed to multiple things at the same time in Sacramento and I haven’t been connected to anything in particular in Texas that requires a commitment. 

Alexander's pre-school friend, William

Maybe it’s a slower pace of life in the midwest. It’s probably a combination of all of these. 

My other best friend & Levi

Irregardless (that’s a word, right? I just looked it up...it is! But it doesn’t mean what I think it means. Oh well, this is my blog, I’m using it anyways!) I am ready to admit that I couldn’t wait to go home to San Antonio, yet I was kind of sad that I wanted to leave my friends and family so willingly. Enter the torn emotions. My heart will be in NorCal and in SoTex (I just made that up, I think). I will visit my peeps emotionally and physically once or twice a year. But I have to focus on what this place has to offer me.

Look! Airborn Fireworks! This is Texas!

Right now, it offers a lot. In the short five months we have been here I have:

• made this house our home
• made this home exactly what I have always wanted in a home (finally clean and organized!)
• enlisted the kids in chores, allowances, tithing, and savings (all things I wanted to do to teach life lessons but never found the time)

Allowance envelopes (Dave Ramsey system)

• worked with Levi doing “school fun” at home

First day of school fun this school year

• started a Gracie Bully Proof program that brought 12 kids into our home this last Sunday to teach them Jiu Jitsu to protect themselves (and will hopefully become a Christian outreach)
• sit down as a family to eat and pray together before every meal (can’t believe I had to go all the way to Texas for this!)

I know there are countless other positives. But the biggest is that I have time for my family now. My family: my number one mission.

Yeah, I’m torn. Probably will always be. But life isn’t about dwelling on the turmoil. It’s about bracing the crescendo wherever you can find it. And twirling, arms outstretched, like a toddler, smile on your face. 

Twirl on y’all.

Slapped!

Four months ago I was going about my life as I always had, unaware of life changes that were going to rock my world. I was born and raised in Sacramento, California. My entire life has consisted within the small square miles of South Sacramento and Northern Elk Grove (separated by one street). I went to school in that part of town, I married and settled there. My adult life revolved around taking my kids to school, attending church, and running errands in this area. My family chose to live with my parents as a mean of extra support and financial ease. This is how we saw the rest of our lives. We were happy with these choices. We could live our life like this and know no different, and be happy as clams, or something like that.

My best friend, Joey, reading to my boys

Then we hear that my husbands job is moving to San Antonio, Texas. The first words out of my mouth after this announcement were “yeah, that’s nice, we aren’t going.” Mike, my ever capable, never not-been-offered-a-job-he-has-interviewed-for husband wanted to apply for the position of a promotion in San Antonio. Knowing that he would probably get the job, but still dead set on not leaving my comfortable life behind, I agreed he should, just to see what they offered. But let me reiterate, we weren’t moving!

Levi with two of his cousins, Nathaniel & Anthony

Around this time I got slapped hard. By God. I had been preaching that the only way we would move to Texas is if it was a God thing. You know, like He wants us to go change the world. Like He wants to hold our hand and make it happen. Yet I was mentally stopping the process with my exclaims of “heck no we aren’t going.” Apparently, that isn’t allowing God to be the boss of my life. I guess. 

Mike was informed they would be flying him to Texas for an interview, which was the day I couldn’t go grocery shopping without hyperventilating and crying. Two days later I was laying facedown for a massage. And I got it. I just got it. I can’t remember what the big “aha” moment was. But I do remember getting it. God said “you got it” and I said, “yeah, God, I got it” and He said “good.” Then he followed up with “geez it’s about time.” Well, not in so many words. We didn’t actually have a conversation. But I knew I got it because all of a sudden I wasn’t scared anymore. I felt that peace that everyone talks about when they know God is speaking, leading, and planning for them. It was glorious! I still didn’t know if Mike would get the promotion, but I now was reconciled to the fact that if he got it, and God said to go, we would and it would all be okay.

Mike, Alexander and me at our beloved Kings

Fast-forward to the next week. Mike’s interview is on Tuesday. We were told he wouldn’t hear anything until Friday, three days later. He interviews, goes to the airport, and waits for his flight. Then he gets a call. Four freaking hours after his interview. Four! While he is still in San Antonio. Meanwhile, I am in Sacramento, doing the Daniel Fast for the first time. Eating little more than veggies and nuts (yeah, I didn’t read up too well on the fast) until we would hear back from his interview (which I thought would be for three days). Praying a whole lot. And really hoping to hear sooner rather than later because I was hungry. Mike calls me. I’m taking a nap. You know...because I’m tired...because I am lacking FOOD! He is a horrible human being and only leaves a message consisting of “hey, I heard back from them, but you are napping, you are going to have to call me back in order to know what they said, oh, and I’m about to hop on the plane so you won’t be able to get ahold of me for hours! Bye!” Like I said, HORRIBLE. HUMAN. BEING! 

This is the first moment the boys saw Mike after we arrived in San Antonio. 

Mike's first words "Get me!"

So like 4 hours later (longest 4 hours of my life) I finally get the call. And like the horrible, I mean, wonderful person my husband is he asks me what I want to hear before he would tell me the answer. I, for the first time, realized I wanted him to get the job and I knew we would be moving to San Antonio if he did get the offer. And that’s when we knew it was God ordained. Because no time in my entire life have I wanted to move so far away from my hometown. Never have I desired a life in a different state than my family. It was so contrary to my own plan, and yet I wanted it, so it wasn’t our decision. God already decided for us.

Jackson's friends saying goodbye to him

My second 1700 mile trip in 2 weeks, this time with the rest of the fam

We have been in Texas for 3 months now and I still don’t know why we are here. It’s obviously a good move for Mike’s career. It has been an enjoyable adventure. But I can’t say that I know why we are here. But the great thing about trusting in Him is that I don’t have to know. 

My boys looking at their new city at the Tower of the Americas

This ain't our first rodeo, actually it was

Levi is a Texan

What I know is this:

• my Father is in charge 
• His story is way more important than mine
• His picture has more meaning than the little glimpse I see down here

These facts are incredibly comforting in a time I don’t know a whole lot. I am blessed to have this knowledge. I am blessed to have this stability

I am blessed to have been slapped.